Close to my move to Sweden over 2 years ago one of my customer’s at Starbucks came up to me and said:
I’m 45 years old. I’ve lived here in this town my whole life. Everything I have is here. My family is here. My work is here. Everything I know and love is here. I will never leave.
I thought that was so sad. To never have lived anywhere else, or to ever want to. To never experience new things, new types of people, places, foods.
After moving here I realized there were benefits to staying on one place for your whole life. Because you’ll never “miss” anything. But despite the pain of missing things and people, I would never want that.
This is where all the pieces of my heart lie. I feel like it’s split right down the middle, half left in New Jersey, and half with me here in Stockholm. This recent trip to the US really defined these pieces for me. Although I feel like my “home” is here in Stockholm, I’ve realized there is so much left back in New Jersey that I can never have over here. My family, for one. I had a great time with my parents. I went down and visited my niece, Samantha, and really bonded with her for the first time. The familiarity of everything, including the language. Which is something I feel like I will never truly have in Sweden. The amazing food.
But at the same time, everything is changing. Life is becoming unrecognizable back in New Jersey. I spent 2 days there going through all my stuff in storage and my parents’ and at my dad’s factory figuring out what to throw out and what to send back to Sweden. I now have no possessions left in New Jersey. We went to visit my aunt’s house (who died 2 months after I moved here). A place I spent half my childhood. The house will be torn down but it’s currently still standing. The land is overgrown. The windows are broken from thieves. My family’s motorhome which once stood in the driveway is gone (having been sold a few years back). The memories are strong but in reality it’s all gone.
My dad is selling his business in the fall. The factory will be sold, and possibly torn down. My parents plan on building a house on my mom’s land in Puerto Rico.
Even if I would have stayed I could not have stopped any of this from happening. It’s better I moved on with my life building new memories somewhere else.
And when I examine the side of my heart that is with me in Sweden, there I find the biggest piece of all. The piece that lies in Daniel’s hands. The piece that has brought me here and keeps me here, happily. And from that I’ve found security. And the friends I’ve made here are better than any friends I’ve ever had back home.
My life is here. My home is here. As time goes on there’s no doubt there will be more pieces of my heart spread across people and places. But I’m ok with that, because it makes me feel alive and loved. And in the end I will know that I’ve made the most of my life allowing myself to experience all I can and want to in this world.
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I have these feelings and only live 3 hours from hom. I could not imagine an ocean between us
I would love to make that move someday. I DREAM about it. But I get so tied emotionally I know I will have a hard time DOING it. After all, I moved RIGHT BACK to my home neighborhood again last year. Sigh. You will be my inspiration. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us.
You are a wise young woman to understand and accept that all things change and not all changes are bad . Life is for experiencing and for living. Just think of all of the memories you will have to cherish over the years when you live and experience to the fullest.
You just described perfectly how I feel about New Jersey, too. I moved to Colorado six years ago, and love it here, but my heart is still in two places. I would imagine that an ocean between Jersey and my new home would be tough, but I imagine the feelings are similar. Thanks for this post.
*stor kram* Vilken fin reflektion kring livet.
Jag f?rst?r dig. I lived my first big part of my life in the Netherlands, have my grounds there, my family and everything that is/was familiar. I moved to California about 5 years ago and feel I left a big piece of me behind in Holland. Now I am at another crossroad in my life. I recently married the love of my life who lives in Sweden, so either I will have to bring my wife here, or leave another piece of me behind and move to Sweden just like you did. So I want to thank you for your honest post, it makes me feel I am not alone!
I think that I could basically live anywhere… I mean, I would miss the familiarity of home, but there’s just so much out there.
Wow, thanks for sharing that. I especially loved the drawing you made about it, it feels like we can see thru your inner feelings.. We’ve been away abroad for 3 years without seeing any of the family or closest friends (plus not even staying in the same place) so I really understand how you’d miss the “familiarity” of things. And at the same time, it’s really a good feeling to see you’re moving on with your own life. We’ve been back home for nearly 2 now, and of course that feels great. However, we’re not in the same town anymore. I don’t think we could have dealt with “stepping back in time”.