I know it’s been a bit since my last post. But I’ve been so wrapped up in my comic. It’s going really well, and I’m so happy I’m doing it. But that’s not why I’m writing.

I’m going to keep this post short, and there will be no accompanying illo, but I just felt the need to write a little bit. Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day my dad died. I can’t believe an entire year has gone by. And despite it all, it has flown by. It’s been a difficult and painful year. Most especially for my mom who is back in NJ on her own still trying to figure out what she’s going to do. I mean, we’ve done OK moving on mostly. I’ve had a good year otherwise. But still, there have been many moments where it’s just been too much to bear. I know my dad was sick and he was 74, not at all too young, but he was just such a great and generous person who EVERYONE loved, and it’s completely unfair that he should be removed from our lives forever.

So I spend the day partly trying to distract myself, especially as I approach the approximate moment of his death, and the time my mom called to tell me about it. I’ve been doing OK this morning. But it’s getting a little harder now. As I keep thinking in my head, “one year ago at this very moment, he was still alive,” and I know that in just a couple of hours it’ll be “one year ago at this very moment, he had just died.” “One year ago I was about to call my boss and tell him I was going to the US for a month.”
“One year ago about this time I was about to face the most difficult and painful days of my life.”

Those are very morbid thoughts, that I can’t seem to shake. But I am trying to think of the good ones. Like my dad’s hugs, and his laugh, and how happy he always was to answer the phone when I called. And how he used to tease me and call me a “dingbat” or a “dumkoff” (“idiot” in German) when I would do something silly. It’s still mostly painful to think about the happy things, but it’s nicer than the morbid thoughts I mentioned earlier.

So that’s all I wanted to say I guess. I’ll be OK of course. SO will my mom. We ARE ok. It’s just harder somedays. Especially today.

I’ve been back for 2 weeks now and I would tell you ALL about my trip (and believe me, I plan to), but right now I cannot because I am reading the final Harry Potter and I can’t be bothered!!!!

BTW, do you like my illo tribute?

OK! SHHH!!!! I’m reading!!

Just popping in quick to say I’m on vacation. I’m back in the US for a month to spend with my mom, this time on happier terms. I’ve been here about 5 days already, and so far it’s been OK. I still miss my dad being here but we’ve been enjoying ourselves.

No updates until I return, which will be around the 2nd week of July. See you guys then!

Birds Flyin High
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by
You know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

After my last post a few things in my life started to take shape, and things have changed dramatically since then. The main thing being that I got a new job. And it’s totally different from anything I’ve done before. It’s not teaching, it’s not web design. It’s completely different. And I LOVE IT.

Those of you who know me more personally know that I wasn’t happy anymore. The past year especially. I was stressed more than I have ever been in my whole life. Last fall I believe I was very close to a real nervous breakdown. I remember that week very clearly. I hit a breaking point. But fortunately, instead of falling apart completely, I got past it.

Then this past spring my dad died, and I had to go home for a month. It was the worst time of my life. And when I got back to Sweden, and I was still grieving and trying to get over it, I had to come back and continue to work in my already stressful situation. It was when I got back that I realized that I could not do this anymore. I was having panic attacks in the middle of stores. I would spend whole days crying. I would cancel plans with people because I simply didn’t want to do anything. I had to find a way to be happy.

And, fortunately, in late April an opportunity just fell into my lap. And in a matter of just a few days everything changed. I had a new job. My husband was telling me he suddenly was feeling better everyday, because he would come home and see me smile. My friends were saying I seemed much happier. I was more open, and more willing to do things and live life. Instead of everyday being a struggle, and not wanting to do much of anything at all. Even wake up.

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
And I’m feeling good

Even someone I barely knew told me they were happy for me, because they first time they met me, about 6 months ago, I seemed so sad.

I feel like I’ve found myself again. I feel like my life in Sweden is back to being as wonderful as it used to be, and actually even better. I feel like the weight of the world isn’t on my shoulders anymore. I feel so free.

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
-Michael Bublé

I only wish my dad was still around so I could tell him all about it.

Hello folks. Yes, it’s been ages. Yes, I had the blog protected for a while. But something happened.

This illustration I drew a long while back for an Illustration Friday assignment. The topic that week was “Heroes” and I chose my dad as the hero. He was my hero for always been so strong when he had cancer, or when he was having heart trouble. He was like superman to me. And he always will be.

Well, this past February my dad’s weak heart couldn’t take it anymore, the chemotherapy was too much to handle, and he passed away while brushing his teeth one morning. He didn’t die at that moment. My mom came to him and held him as he awoke one last time, and then he died in her arms.

I can’t begin to say how awful this has all been. I flew home for a month. The day after I arrived was the viewing. One of the worst days of my life. The weeks after that consisted of endless amounts of paperwork, and the final goodbye with the dispersion of his ashes into the ocean.

This was truely the worst time of my life to date.

However, things are getting better. While I know there will always be that hole in my heart, it will now be filled with his memory. And I am healing, and so is my family back in NJ. We’re all moving on, and one day we’ll be able to be happy for the memories, and not let the pain get to us.

So I post this illustration once again as a tribute to my daddy. He was the best father a girl could ever hope for. And I miss him more than I could have ever imagined.

Yes there was password protection here for a bit. No one had the password. The blog was just “hiding.” I don’t know why. I just wanted it like that. But I plan on changing things around here within he next couple of days. So I took off the password.

For anyone who might somehow miraculously be reading this, I have been “away” for a while. I was in the US. My dad died. but I don’t want to talk about it right now. Maybe I’ll reflect on it a little more in the future.

So that’s what is. Let’s see what happens around here.

What can I say. In spite of what Madonna says, time does NOT actually go by slowly. It goes by very very fast.

What’s my excuse this time? Well, I’m just swamped. Seriously busy. All. The. Time. I’m so exhausted. So much stress.

Also, my dad has cancer again, and hasn’t been feeling well. But I don’t want to talk about it here.

Anyway, that’s what’s up. I’m so sorry. No one is probably even reading this, which I totally understand. Maybe in the near future things will change so that I have more inspiration for this place.